Breath of Life
by Stargazing BasketCase
Summary: Did you know you can drown but not die? Rose is drowning, and dying, but the water isn't to blame for both. TenRose.
1. Prologue: Drowning

Title: **Breath of Life**

Rating: T

Summary: Did you know you can drown but not die? Rose is drowning, and dying, but the water isn't to blame for both. Ten/Rose.

Disclaimer: Doctor Who is owned by the rich and all-powerful BBC, and I am poor and own nothing except an annoying imagination.

Erm, it's with the Tenth Doctor (kinda obviously) and is sometime after The Idiot's Lantern (I think…).

Breath of Life

_Prologue: Drowning_

She couldn't breathe.

The cold water enveloped her flailing limbs with caressing arms of ice, and the breath was driven from her lungs in a stream of bubbles that spiralled towards the morning sky. Her eyes widened in pain as her muscles began to cramp from the freezing temperature, and she began to struggle against the ropes that bound her hapless body.

She couldn't breathe.

Panicked screams escaped her lips as he realised that the cords were too tight; that she couldn't escape. Her mouth opened and the water surged in, violating her body. Soon, as her body stilled in the water her gurgles ceased, and a look of abject despair settled on her face.

She couldn't breathe.

But then she looked up with rapidly-darkening eyes as she sank down in the water. He would come, he would save her, like he always did. Her blurring gaze searched the sky, straining for his silhouette. But all she could see was rippling blue, and all she could feel were her flaming lungs, burning without oxygen.

She couldn't breathe.

He wasn't there. She couldn't see him. Her heart sank, even faster than her body. He was _always _there. Always.

She couldn't breathe.

With her last fragment of strength she screamed out inside her head, hoping that somehow he could hear her, that he would save her.

She couldn't breathe, but she cried out, calling a word; a title; a name.

_Doctor! DOCTOR! _DOCTOR!

>>>>>>>>>


	2. Chapter 1: Diving

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue

By the way, this has a few little spoilers for 'The Idiot's Lantern' (I suppose), so if you haven't seen it… Well, please read anyway, but you could close your eyes at the spoilery bits I guess?

And if you can understand that, then you are one smart person!

And by the way, thanks to all you guys who reviewed. blushes I hope it doesn't disappoint…

Breath of Life

_Chapter 1 - Diving_

"What is it about the phrase 'Don't wander off' that is so amazing difficult to understand?"

At the sound of this mock-irritated voice a single sleepy owl swung its feathered head in the direction of this disturbance. Wide yellow eyes studied the lean, tousle-haired figure as it wandered purposefully along the rough semi-gravel path. A gust of wind bounded along the ground, catching the figure's long brown coat, writhing it up into the air, and ruffling the owl's snowy-white feathers. The bird's head swiftly disappeared underneath its wing; drowsy in the morning sunlight, but the Doctor kept striding along the path, unperturbed.

"I mean, honestly, it's like I'm speaking another language sometimes!" the Time Lord continued, twisting his hands deeper in his pockets. "It's like she goes looking for trouble!"

He thought for a second.

"Well, nothing wrong with the last part I s'pose… But she could at least let me know!" He blew out a breath through his still-strange teeth, and shook his head in amused exasperation.

Really though, it wasn't that he minded her going off, exploring, getting into trouble, he did it all the time; it was the _consequences _he was afraid of. What really terrified him was the remote possibility that one time she might wander off, and not come back. The vision of himself having to carry her broken body back to her mother haunted him whenever he let himself dwell on it.

Or, more recently, her _faceless _body.

A shadow slid across the Doctor's features at that thought. That had been like his worst nightmares made flesh; staring into her faceless visage, feeling the unstoppable rage building inside him. At that point, he would have ripped the universe apart to get her back. And later too, as her stolen face floated on the TV screen, the terror in her unseeing eyes had pierced his soul like a burning blade. Her lips had silently cried his name, calling for him to save her, and he had been able to do nothing.

_Doctor! DOCTOR! _DOCTOR!

He blinked in surprise and stopped in the middle of the path, the echoes of her voice drifting through his mind, ghostly fingers sending chills up his spine.

But…

That hadn't sounded like a memory.

"Excuse me, may I help you?"

The Doctor's head snapped up, and he favoured the stranger with a wide but worried grin. "Ah, yes, hello." His hand unwittingly sketched a wave without compulsion from his pre-occupied mind. "I'm the Doctor."

The stocky be-robed man before him gave him a slight bow, his hands clasped over his stomach, smiling like a benevolent Earth Buddha. "Welcome, Doctor. I am Brother Malchize," he greeted. "Is there any way I might aid you? You seemed… worried."

"I think you might," the Doctor ventured. "I'm looking for my friend. I was told that she might have come this way. She's called Rose, Rose Tyler." He studied Malchize's face for an instant. "Have you seen her?"

In the blink of an eye the monk's whole demeanour changed. His weight shifted onto the balls of his feet and his eyes became guarded, even though his face retained its open expression. For some reason his hands quirked upwards, towards the silver medallion that hung on a long chain around his neck, resting low on his chest.

"Ah," said the Doctor shortly, his worry rising. "You _have _seen her."

_Doctor, please! _

He started, visibly and mentally. _Rose?_

Malchize studied the Doctor through the eyes of a hawk. "You should not utter the name of the dead," he said softly, reverently. His recalcitrant fingers sketched a quick symbol over his stomach; a flick up, a flick down, a flick diagonally back. He inclined his head slightly, but not to the Time Lord. "It is disrespectful."

_Name of the _dead?

_Rose!!_

On a jerky whim the Doctor lashed out and snagged the medallion from where it hung around Malchize's neck, the chain snapping in two. A fierce-looking woman was immortalised in the silver metal, tails of blue-jewel studded hair swept across her forehead and breasts. Her face carried an insufferably haughty expression, emerald eyes flaming like green fire.

The Doctor's dark eyes studied the medallion, every muscle in his body tense with worry and fear. "Isatai," he said shortly. "Ancient goddess of water and wind." His eyes flicked to Malchize. "Am I right, hmm?" Back to the symbol. "Isatai, Isatai, Isatai… Ah! Worshipped across roughly… seventeen worlds, right?" Back to Malchize, who was looking somewhere between worried and scared. "Has _crazily _devoted cult, I'm guessing you're one of them." Medallion again, and then stopped. "Oh. Oh no." His head started to shake. "No no no no no _no!_"

"Doctor?"

The Time Lord lunged forward, grabbing the monk by his robe front, dropping the medallion to the dirt. His foot crushed it into the ground, not entirely by accident. He shook Malchize. "Isatai. Eventually derided and wiped out. Hated. Ooh, maybe four-hundred years from now? Yeah, that'd be about right." He shook Malchize again, harder this time. He was angry now, angry and terrified. "Why? I'll tell you why. _Live sacrifices._"

"The goddess demands it," Malchize said, his tone intended to be placating. He pushed the Doctor away. "She requires it."

The Doctor's expression was dazed. "Drowning," he murmured. "Death by drowning." The anger slid back onto his face, pure and simple, and was quickly replaced by terror. _"You drowned Rose!"_

And then he was running.

The water was smooth now.

Well, as smooth as it ever got. It was a rippling carpet of crinkled blue silk, occasionally broken by a tiny white horse rearing its foamy head out of the water. This place wasn't quite the sea, but it was large and deep enough for hundreds to have lost their lives in its depths.

The water was smooth now.

Mere minutes ago the air had been filled with voices; first conversation; then protests; then screams. A struggling body had been thrown down, cords twisted around its limbs to keep it from escaping its end. It had sunk down, still fighting, until it had just stopped, and hung there, limp beneath the calming surface.

The water was smooth now.

A man arrived beside the water. He was calling a name, one syllable, desperation in his eyes. Pebbles slid into the water as the man's feet scrabbled against the side, sending ripples out into the crunched satin. The man had stripped off his coat and jacket now, still staring down into the lake, still crying the name.

The water was smooth now, but not for long.

The man backed up, his chest heaving, eyes scared. He called something out, something different, not the name, something full of promise and terror, and then ran towards the water. His body arched towards the silky surface, slamming into the water in a perfect dive, his fingers dipping in first, followed a fraction of a second later by the rest of his body. He plummeted down, scything towards the other body, the calm body, still calling out.

_Rose! God no, ROSE! _

Deep beneath the surface, wrapping his arms around her still, lifeless form, the Doctor's hearts were screaming out in unbearable agony. This couldn't be happening, he was a _Time Lord_, he couldn't let this happen!

_No! Rose! _

He shook her, as much as he could while still underwater. Her skin was rapidly taking on a greyish pallor: he needed to get her to the surface. But first, she needed oxygen. His shaking fingers pinched her nose tight and he pressed his mouth over hers, frantically trying to force air into her lungs.

_Please Rose, c'mon breathe, you gotta breath, c'mon Rose, please, please don't leave me, please please please…_

His mind was incoherent, even to himself, and _that_ was something new. All that mattered was getting her to breathe, was getting her to _live_. He started to kick his feet fiercely, driving them upwards towards the ever-out-of-reach sky as his arms held Rose tight to him, carrying her with him.

It seemed like an eternity until their heads broke the surface of the water. The Doctor was vaguely aware of dragging Rose's limp body to the shore, of pulling her onto the pebbled beach, of tears mingling with the water dripping down his face. He could hear his voice mumbling incoherent words as he tried desperately to resuscitate her. His hands thumped down on her chest, trying to force her lungs back into action. Shaking fingers pressed to the pulse point in her neck, finding nothing.

His lips pressed to hers over and over again, half pushing air into her lungs, half kissing her desperately back to life. And all he could think was, _'It wasn't supposed to be like this'_.

In the back of his mind he'd always had this vague notion that when he first kissed her, in this body anyway, there would be candles and waves and a gorgeous sunset, and soft music in the background, and it would be gentle and passionate all at once.

But instead here he was, kissing her over and over as she lay on the shingle, her lips growing cold, the life slipping away from her.

And he was steadily realising that it was no use.

He was too late.

Tears dripped uncontrolled from his eyes, splashing on her face, her neck, her hair. She was _gone_. Snatched away from him because he hadn't been careful enough.

"Rose," he whispered, shaking fingers stroking her cheek. "Rose, _no…_"

She was gone. Forever.

_No… _

It was his nightmares come true twice over.

But never in his nightmares had this all-consuming rage flooded through his body, suppressing the grief.

In seconds his mind was scarily clear, the milky fog of a moment ago burned away by the scarlet red of his flaming anger.

The tears stopped, and with jerky movements he pulled on his jacket over his drenched shirt. His now-calm hands wrapped her body in his brown coat, pulling it snug around her form. An emotionless mask descended over his sodden face and dripping hair as he scooped her body up and tensely stalked back along the path, never looking back, never looking down at her.

His mind, tortured by grief, could bring up only one comprehensive truth that he could grasp.

He knew who was to blame for this.

_Malchize… Isatai…_

They had murdered Rose.

And so they would be murdered in turn.


	3. Chapter 2: Falling

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

Again, I'm gonna say thanks to all you guys who reviewed. -grins- You all rock!

And hope you like!

Breath of Life

_2 - Falling_

Anger.

That was all he could feel. Blazing, searing anger, and the icy black of creeping madness.

_**DIZZY SPINNING CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP**_

The Doctor carried Rose back to the TARDIS, his expression unreadable, his body tense; a live wire. Her body felt light in his arms; too light. She should be heavier. This body wasn't right. It wasn't Rose.

But yet it was. And he couldn't change that.

_**LEAVE ME GET OUT SHUT UP SAVE ME**_

He laid her down just next to the main console, his damp fingers brushing across her cheek in a final goodbye. She was gone, but they would pay. He smiled, and the TARDIS's light unwittingly twisted it into a grinning leer of madness.

_**listen breathe ice cold metal on skin release calm make it go away**_

Sunlight beamed down on him as he stepped outside the door of the worn old police box. The bright and beautiful day was so foreign to his mood it was almost laughable. He stroked his hand down one of the blue panels of the ancient ship. "Look after Rose old girl."

His hand dropped and he turned away, ignoring the TARDIS's physic shudder of fear and revulsion.

What did she know? _Nothing_.

**_CAN'T MUSN'T NOT ALLOWED TOO HOT DIZZY STOP SCREAMING AT ME_**

He stood outside the gates to Isatai's temple, looking up through narrowed eyes. With a creak the doors were swung open, and a familiar face looked through. "Doctor," Malchize greeted. "I trust you are well." He caught the Doctor's expression, and sighed. "You should be _happy _for her. She has gone to the goddess." He smiled a sickly smile. "It is a great honour. You should be _happy_."

_You killed Rose. My love. And you think I'm _happy!

Before the monk could utter more blasphemies the Doctor's hand lashed out, fastening around Malchize's throat. His dark eyes lit up with what could only be described as pleasure as the monk's fingers scrabbled at his hand, but he was immovable in his rage.

Anger, or Madness.

_What's the difference?_

_**rose red rose thorns blood rose SELFISH YOUR FAULT SCREW UP WORTHLESS**_

He left a trail of death behind him. Malchize was only the first of many. He was cleansing this world, making it pure. He was an avenging angel, lonely once more.

_**curl up leave shaking aching stop it please stop too hot icy cold metal water cool iron bars**_

This was right. Of course it was right. How could it be wrong? They had killed so many, killed so many who had families, who were _loved_, and now it was time that they felt that pain in return.

_**chilling breeze on bare skin alone forever always alone cold empty laughing moon jeering stars**_

He was the Doctor. One time he had cured, one time he had been whole. Now he was broken. He _had_ cured, now he killed. Survival of the fittest. Survival of the just. Survival of the right.

Survival of the Doctor.

_**GO AWAY LEAVE ME NO STOP IT ENOUGH HELP ME FALLING VANISHING HELP**_

He didn't need anyone. He was perfect by himself. In perfect balance, everything perfect.

After all, what is more perfect than death?

**_thoughts gone there gone swirling mess sharp intake of breath searing pain glorious darkness don't sleep can't sleep won't go away_**

Blood. So much blood. The air smelt of it. It was everywhere.

It was utterly glorious.

_**i have the will no light hurting agony pain alone can't feel and can't stop feeling breathe just breathe heavy limbs leaden fingers**_

Drowning. He was drowning in it; in the intoxicating smell of blood and sweat and passion and fear and death. It was his everything.

Drowning. _Drowning. _

Clarity.

Oh God. _"Rose!"_

What _was _he? What was he _doing? _

"Stop! Now!"

Silence.

_Too late. _

_**the water the monsters the fog the endless torment alone forever choking blaring ice pain death kill me let me die make IT STOP silence clocks ticking alone ringing in my ears sleep forever and always awake no one can understand**_

_Falling. _

_**HEARTLESS COLD SELFISH WHY WERE YOU BORN YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE air crushing down falling**_

_Falling forever. Can't stop. Never going to stop. Always falling, never stopping. Always oblivion. _

_**no more stars or moon no lakes no water no light just sweet oblivion forever you are my oblivion you have me. **_

_**i have nothing. **_

Dizziness.

Falling.

Blackness.

>>>>>>>>>

The TARDIS felt the darkness approaching. She felt the Doctor's black rage, his anger, his pain, his fear. And she trembled at the thought of it. Minutes ago she had felt Rose slipping, and now the Doctor was falling after her, desperate to join her, desperate to end his existence, desperate to _die_. Desperate not to live without her.

But Rose had not fallen completely.

A tiny spark of golden light sustained her; a gift from the TARDIS, a gift from the Bad Wolf. That spark wove throughout her body, twisting into her tissues and organs and fluids, restoring, boosting, aiding, healing better than any nurse-cat-nun-things could ever attempt.

A yellow-gold aura traced over her body, threading across her flesh, casting her face in iridescent shine. The light seemed to twist the corners of her mouth in a bittersweet smile.

Black and gold, shimmering at the opposite ends of a slippery slope.

The gold reached for the black.

But the black couldn't feel her.

>>>>>>>>>


	4. Chapter 3: Linking

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

Erm, well, I found it kinda tricky to follow up to the last chapter. Everyone seemed to like it, so (I think I might have said this before!) I hope this doesn't disappoint, 'cause I don't think it's as good…

But hey.

And yay! 'The Impossible Planet' tonight! Rock on!

And again, a _massive_ thanks to everyone who reviewed. –grins and blushes–

Enjoy!

Breath of Life

_3 - Linking_

_Rose… _

_Go away. I'm tired. _

_Rose, you have to wake up. _

_Why?_

_You know why._

Screaming.

_DOCTOR! _

_>>>>>>>>>_

Air.

Rose Tyler suddenly arched up, gasping for oxygen. Her lungs flamed down in an instant from burning pyres to the ashy remnants at the bottom of a fireplace, and she opened her eyes, scanning the interior of the TARDIS.

_Where is he? _

"Doctor?" she ventured, her voice quavering.

_He's not here Rose. _

She should have jumped at the sudden voice in her head, but she didn't. It felt oddly right. "Where is he then?"

The TARDIS was silent, but Rose could feel waves of chill blue sadness washing over her. Worry flamed up inside her, and she dragged herself up into a sitting position. "Where is he?" she repeated.

With a faint _click _one of the viewing screens flicked into life. Rose pulled herself to her feet and paced slowly across to it, drawing the Doctor's long coat tighter around her shoulders. There was no sound, but she didn't need to hear it. The screams already echoed inside her head.

Fire. Blood. Anger. Pain. Grief. Rage. A whirlwind in brown pinstripe. Ripping, screaming, tearing, beating, fighting, killing, _murdering…_

"Oh God, Doctor _no…" _

The Oncoming Storm had come, and was casting his ancient name in death.

_No, please Doctor, no… _

"Why is he doing this?" Rose murmured in shock. "He _wouldn't…_"

_He is doing this because of you._

"Me?"

_He thinks you are dead. He is killing those he believes killed you. _

"But _why?_"

The TARDIS's reply was simple. _He is heartbroken. _

She was speechless, frozen in time and space. _Heartbroken? Doctor, no, God no, I'm not _worth _it…_

"But… he can't… He's the Doctor! He can't!"

The TARDIS was silent; grieving.

"He's going mad," Rose murmured. "Insane."

Sorrow. _Yes. _

"I can stop it." She could. Didn't know how, but she knew that she could. She drew a deep breath, trying to fortify herself. She could smell him, his scent permeating the brown coat slung around her shoulders. _I need him. I can stop it. _

_Yes. You can. But is it too late? _

"It's _never _too late." She slid her arms into the sleeves of his coat. Someone had to be the Doctor.

Rose. Determination.

Doctor. Insanity.

>>>>>>>>>

The being that had been the Doctor but was now something else entirely stood in the middle of a blood-drenched courtyard, it head cocked slightly to one side, listening. There was a faint _whoosh_ing noise in the air, barely louder than the echoes of the screams that still hung in its ears. It intrigued it.

_TARDIS. _That word was connected to the _whoosh_. How? It didn't know. It couldn't remember.

_Rose. _That word was connected to _TARDIS_ too, but also to many others. To _doctor, _to _london_, to _human. _To _beautiful_. To _Love_.

Puzzlement. _Love? What is that?_

Nostalgia. _It's everything. _

The _whoosh_ing grew louder, and the faint outlines of a blue box started to appear in the air.

_Blue box. _Connected to _TARDIS_. In a descriptive sense.

The blue box slowly solidified, _whoosh_ing itself into existence. He focused on it, and could see every crack and dent and bruise in its exterior.

Confusion. _Bruise? Boxes can't bruise. _

Smugness. _This one can. _

The box's door was cracked open slightly, pale fingers curling around the edge. A girl slipped out, leaving the door to a different world open behind her.

It frowned. She looked familiar, oddly familiar, as did the brown coat she wore that was too big for her, but no memories were forthcoming. From _it_ at least. Him… Now that was a different matter.

Joy. _Rose!_

Bemusement. _Who?_

"Doctor?"

A familiar word. Linked to _TARDIS_, to _blue box_. To _Rose._ But why was she saying 'Doctor' to it? And who was Rose?

"Doctor please. Stop."

Defiance. "Why should I?"

There was pain in her gold-flecked eyes. "Because this is _wrong_. Please Doctor, you know it as well as I do."

Annoyance. _'Doctor'. Why does she keep calling me that?_

Pain. _Because it's my name. _

Not-quite resentment, not-quite anger. _Not any more. _

"Stop, please." She was talking again. "This is wrong."

"Wrong? How is it wrong? It is justice."

"It isn't _justice! _It's _murder!_" Anguish radiated off her in waves.

"They were murderers."

"That doesn't justify it." Sorrow. Pain. Grief. Why was she grieving? It was the one who had lost. Wait… What had it lost? It couldn't remember. Sorrow, building higher and higher. "_You _taught me that."

What was she talking about?

Who was she?

And why did it feel that _it _should be in _her _place; _giving _the lecture instead of receiving it?

So many questions. No answers.

>>>>>>>>>

Black eyes.

Not dark eyes, how they should be. Pitch black eyes, scarred by forgotten pain and discarded loss. He didn't even seem to know her, and no emotion flickered in their murky depths.

Rose stepped forward. "Doctor," she whispered. "What's _happened _to you?"

"I am better."

"Better? How is _this _better?" With an expansive gesture she indicated the whole of the courtyard, the dead stacked on each other like so many bloody leaves in the autumn. _"You've killed them all!" _

There!

A flicker of something in the black orbs. Emotion. Just for a fraction of a millisecond. But it was definitely there.

_Doctor! _she called.

He still didn't answer, but the light flickered again.

Another step closer. "Doctor please." She searched his face. "This isn't you. It can't be. I know you. This isn't."

"I am new. I am better." He was resisting. Or at least _something _was.

Tears pricked at the back of her eyes. _What if it _is _too late? _

_NO! _

"You don't need to be better," she whispered.

The flicker, longer this time. He was fighting, he was coming back. She nearly rejoiced.

_Not yet. Soon. _

"What?"

_That _sounded more like her Doctor.

Her Doctor. On reflected, yes, he was.

"You were perfect just as you were." Her voice was soft, just above a whisper. She looked hard at him. "I'm not _dead_, can't you see?" She extended her arms, as if to prove she was flesh. "The TARDIS said you did this because of _me_. Because you thought I died." She was choking back tears. "C'mon, I'm _here! _I'm _alive!_ Stop!"

Suddenly his face changed, going from coldly hostile and uncaring to shocked and horrified. "Rose, God, Rose." He sounded like he was whimpering, but no. This was the _Doctor_. Whimper?

"Doctor?" Worried, her voice had jumped an octave.

His hands grabbed hold of her head, holding onto her desperately. "Rose, help me," he choked out, almost collapsing against her.

She grabbed onto him, pulling him up. "Hold on Doctor," she whispered back.

He was shaking, shivering, trembling against her, his breath coming in short bursts, the blackness seeping out of his eyes. "Doctor, what's happening?" she asked, her voice bursting with worry. "Doctor! Tell me!"

_**tight chest closed eyes falling dipping twisted round up down PLEASE NO DON'T MAKE ME**_

Rose gasped, her eyes wide. _What was that? _His hands trembled against her face. "Doctor," she murmured in shock.

**_hold back tight ropes cutting chains LET ME GO SAVE ME HOLD ME TIGHT alone cold hot too hot I BEG YOU FOR BLACKNESS not enough too much opposites in contradiction_**

It was him. Inside her head.

_Doctor? _she asked.

_Rose, I'm sorry, I can't stop it, I can't move, I'm so sorry. _

She gripped his hands. _Hold on Doctor. Just hold on. _

_**so confusing pain agony shooting in circles blue lightning striking killing STOP SCREAMING FOR ME dead moon dead stars forever NO PLEASE TAKE ME DRAG ME DOWN worthless mighty majestic tiny holy blasphemous all and more perfect despicable SKATING AROUND BLACK WHY ME WHY ANYONE**_

_What is this? _Rose asked, her mind overwhelmed by pain and fear and grief and madness that held her tight and yet didn't touch her.

_This is me. This is my mind. _

_But…?_

_**held down pulled back violated broken and cast aside makes no sense INSANITY light in circles golden eyes always watching never alone always alone CAN'T UNDERSTAND NEVER COMPREHEND**_

_I can't let go. I'm so sorry Rose. You shouldn't have to know this. _

Rose was vaguely aware of both their bodies shaking, shivering, trembling in the dead and rubble beside the TARDIS, but all that was clear was the chaos and pain inside the Doctor's head.

_**black and blue darkness drag me in screaming TAKE EVERYTHING TAKE MY SOUL TAKE THE STARS **_

_Doctor?_

_I'm sorry. _

_**broken bruised cut bleeding not defeated YOU CANNOT HAVE HER I WILL NOT LET YOU! ROSE! **_

Calm.

Silence.

Two bodies, intertwined, unconscious amidst the dead.

>>>>>>>>>


	5. Chapter 4: Reaching

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue

Right, yeah, hey again people. Sorry for the 'delay' (of a day!), I have exams this week so I don't know when the next chapter's gonna be up. –pulls face– Exams suck. And yeah, on that theme, this was half-written during a revision session at school, and then cleaned up on the bus home.

And again, thank you to all you wonderful people who reviewed the last chapter. –grins– Thanks!

Read, enjoy, and if you feel like it, drop me a review!

Breath of Life

_4 – Reaching_

Duality – the double and opposite nature of absolutely everything.

Obvious throughout just about everything, balancing and tweaking until things are _just _so, just right, just perfect. Opposites in perfect harmony, scattered throughout the universe.

Black and white, male and female, yin and yang, acid and alkali.

There are hundreds, and almost all are tangible things, things you can touch, or can at least be represented in some pictorial sense.

But there is also the fundamental split in human nature; the inherent ability to choose either good, or evil. They are _not_ tangible things; they are facets of a soul. You are not _born _with a disposition for either; you have to make a decision. It's the gift, and the curse of humanity; the ability to _choose_.

Even if you decide on good, the _chance_, the _possibility_ of evil remains in you, buried deep in your psyche. As long as you are in control of your mind and body it stays there; stays buried. But as soon as you slip up it takes its chance, seizes you. Takes over. The darkness latches onto _one _idea, one notion in your head and _magnifies _it, bloats it beyond all reasonable proportions. And the madness ensues.

And once you have slipped that far, it's almost impossible to get back to who you were.

But it's not just humans.

Some races cannot choose; some species have the choice made for them.

But they all have the potential to fall, and some cannot help but fall harder than others.

_Much _harder.

And guess what?

The Doctor falls the hardest.

>>>>>>>>>

It was the echoes of screams that woke them both in perfect harmony, their eyes flicking open in the same instant. For an eternal instant they lay there, completely frozen, Rose's hands on the Doctor's shoulders, his palms pressed to her temples, gazes connected, gently breathing without so much as a hitch.

With a touch as gentle as a butterfly the Doctor brushed his right thumb across the corner of Rose's eye. "Your eyes," he murmured detachedly. "They've got gold flecks." His fingers lingered on her face, needing the contact, and she didn't brush them away. She couldn't; she _never _could.

"I know," she replied, her voice equally as soft, but slightly more in touch with reality.

"The TARDIS."

"Yeah. She saved me."

Something that looked suspiciously like a tear glistened at the back of the Doctor's dark eyes. Not black anymore, just dark. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "So, so sorry."

Her fingers traced nonsensical words and intricate patterns on the shoulders of his jacket. "It's okay," she murmured back.

His hands dropped from her face. "I should have been able to hold on." He pulled himself up into a sitting position, his gaze leaving Rose and travelling around the courtyard. A sickened expression slid onto his face. "What have I done?" he whispered.

His fingers were shaking again.

Rose noticed.

"Doctor?" she asked, moving onto her knees. "Doctor, what's wrong?"

He looked back down at her. His eyes weren't dark anymore, but not quite black either. "I can't stop it," he whispered hoarsely, his changing eyes begging her forgiveness.

She took his shaking hands between hers. "C'mon," she said softly. "It's safer in the TARDIS."

He nodded, his fingers latching onto her hands. "Don't let go. Please."

The utter despair in his voice scared her more than any Dalek, Cyberman or Sycorax ever had. _I'm not dead! He's supposed to be okay! He's the _Doctor! _He's not supposed to break down like this! _

She managed to summon a weak smile. "I won't."

>>>>>>>>>

His hands skated across the main TARDIS console, subtly trembling fingers narrowly missing switches, lever and buttons that would, in various ways, kill the both of them. The look of concentration on his face combined with this deftness would have fooled someone who didn't know him.

Not Rose.

And he knew that she wasn't taken in.

"Just let me set a course." He was making excuses, he knew it, but he didn't want to face what was inside his own head, and she was going to make him. "We aren't safe here."

You_ aren't safe here. _That was what he meant. _And so we have to leave. _

_Anything to keep my Rose safe. _

Her hand rested on his arm, a feather-light touch through the sleeve of his jacket. He'd asked her not to let go, and she hadn't. He was glad. He needed her more than he could even admit.

_**hurting always pain never stops INSIDE MY HEAD IN AGONY**_

The Doctor set the TARDIS on course for some little planet in the backwaters of nowhere, and then pressed his hand to his forehead, screwing his face up to keep the jabbering out.

"Doctor?" Rose's concern brought him back.

He opened his eyes and his knees nearly gave out as the world lurched. A moan of pain escaped his lips as fire jolted through his skull.

_**twisted tied broken bound held free STRUCK DOWN BURNING**_

"Okay Doctor." He felt Rose slide her arm around him, half-holding him up. "C'mon. You need to sleep."

"No!"

"Doctor?"

His darkening gaze found her newly golden-flecked eyes. "I can't hold it back."

She reached up and lightly touched his face, her fingertips subconsciously caressing his skin. "I'm here." Illogically, those two words gave him more comfort than they ever had before, uttered by anyone else. And however illogical it was, he knew why.

_**walls narrowing dragged out pulled in TAKE ME BACK oil flaming on water calm wild seas**_

_No! I won't! _

He didn't fight as she led him away, her fingers wound into his. He could feel himself slipping away from consciousness, closer towards the blackness lurking in his head. He didn't care. He was too busy waging a war inside his mind.

And this was the one battle he didn't know if he could win.

>>>>>>>>>

The flesh underneath the thin sheen of sweat was flaming hot, burning Rose's skin as she brushed her fingers over against his cheek. She bit her lip worriedly before running the damp cloth over his forehead for the third time in as-many minutes. Her gaze flicked down to his pale face below, eyes screwed shut, and she couldn't help it. Tiny tears began to bead in her eyes.

She cursed herself silently and brusquely brushed the back of her hand across her eyes. She could cry later, when he was better. And he _would _get better. There was no doubt. He was the Doctor, and she was alive. There was no doubt whatsoever.

No doubt.

Right?

"C'mon Doctor, you have to stay here," she murmured to him, sick in the knowledge that there was no way he could hear her. "You gotta stay with me."

Was it her imagination, or had his hand just curled tighter around hers?

She didn't know.

The cloth in her hand traced a path after a bead of fevered sweat that trickled down his cheek, catching up with it just next to his mouth, twisted in a grimace of pain and fear. Her thumb suddenly developed a mind of its own and brushed over his thin lips. She jerked her hand away from him as she realised what she was doing, and then registered the fact that the grimace was slightly diminished.

Now that _wasn't _her imagination.

A single tear pushed its way free from her eye and skated a twisted path down her cheek. "Doctor…" she sighed softly, lightly letting her fingers caress his lips once again. On impulse she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. "Doctor, you can do this," she murmured, the memory of the frantic tangle of emotions and insanity clear in her memory. "I _know _you can."

Was it her imagination?

Or did he smile, just a little, as a little golden starburst sank down into his forehead, reflecting off the moisture on his skin and crowning his sweat-spiked hair in a bright aura.

She didn't know.

But she hoped.

>>>>>>>>>

_**BODIES ON FIRE FOREVER blue shock white fear black rage molten metal spilling in patterns FALLING VANISHING NEVER HERE NEVER ANYWHERE **_

He twisted in the clutches of his finally-fallen mind. It was amazing how once incident, one tiny event that took no more than an hour could change his mind and psyche forever; completely.

He supposed it was balance; he'd been sane this long, he had to slip up at some point to compensate all the good he'd done.

Well. It was good from his point of view.

_**death of nature burn ashes GREEN ON BLACK IN SYNCHRONISATION rip the wings let it fly watch it die **_

He could feel fingers around his right hand, and he struggled to remember who they belonged to.

Of course! _Rose._

A faint voice, piercing through the screamings of his breaking mind.

_You gotta stay with me…_

_I'm trying! _he tried to call back. He tried to clench his fingers around her hand, to let her know that he wasn't gone; that he was still here. But all he managed was a slight twitch.

**_DON'T LEAVE ME HERE looks like fire feels like ice takes me to the stars black light on faces in distance spinning in spirals DON'T GO NO_**

Her fingers danced over his blistering face, leaving cool trails in their wake. She calmed him, kept him from falling apart in the furnaces of dementia.

_**let them have me let them steal my mind throw me to monsters the darkness NO STOP NOT YET**_

Pain. Shooting through him, stamping fire onto his brain.

_**claws in skin bleeding crying falling blue black red falling to a point thorns in eyes screams **_

The voice again, bringing light to the blackness, soothing the pain.

_Doctor…_

Then a touch, something pressed to his forehead. A kiss?

Gold danced before his eyes, diving for the blackness, colours wrestling before his eyes.

_**TOO BRIGHT TOO LOUD STOP TOO MUCH TOO COLD TOO HOT TOO SAFE CAN'T KEEP GOING **_

_Doctor, you can do this. I _know_ you can. _

Such faith. Blind faith in a shattering man.

Her hand around his, comforting, holding, anchoring him to sanity.

_Live. For her. _

>>>>>>>>>

Again, the gold reached for the black.

This time, the black reached back.

>>>>>>>>>


	6. Chapter 5: Thinking

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

Hey, me again. Sorry for the delay, I had exams and then I went Youth Hostelling at the weekend, missed 'The Satan Pit' and had to watch a crappy quality video of it the next day… Generally annoying.

Anyway. Hope you like, and my massive thanks to you wonderful people who reviewed. You make my day! Enjoy!

Breath of Life

_5 - Thinking_

Rose's fingers traced their unruly way through the Doctor's hair, leaving chasms in the sweat-soaked strands. She hadn't been imagining it earlier after all; there _was_ a faint golden tinge to his white skin, and now she knew what it was.

It was the TARDIS again. She had healed Rose, linking to her through the spark of the Bad Wolf clinging to her soul, and now Rose had transferred that ember to the Doctor. And now a golden glow surrounded his face and hair, and he was healing.

Or at least, she hoped so.

She sighed. Her fingers continued their worn paths through his hair; she knew that her touch was in part helping him piece himself together. And she trusted him to do as much; to not leave her here.

She should trust him as implicitly as she did, that was something she knew. But she couldn't help it; she did. After all her had done; broken her heart and healed it again; abandoned her without a second thought; she would still put her life in his hands any day, and do it with a smile and laugh.

She supposed that was what love really was; she'd never felt this before. Not like this anyway, not this all-consuming fire burning through her every nerve and cell every second of every day she travelled with him.

Of course there had been others she'd been with, like Jimmy Stone, but that had been an obsession; a childhood fantasy. Mickey, good old reliable Mickey, but recently he'd become more of a _best _friend than a _boy_friend. And he was gone now anyway.

She realised suddenly, with just a twinge of guilt, that she could now think easily about Mickey leaving permanently without being overwhelmed by tears. He had left them barely ten days ago, but she knew that she'd been over him for a long time before that. Probably ever since the Doctor had grabbed her hand and told her, for the first time of many, to _Run! _

And if Mickey had hurt her even half as much as the Doctor had then he'd have been out on his rear within the hour. As it was, only some cataclysmic disaster that would make her separate herself from the Doctor.

He was different now, rasher, more impulsive. Before he'd been dark and brooding, turned constantly inward, battling his inner demons. Now he was light, chirpy, extrovert, swinging from one thing to the next with nary a care. But she'd seen that the demons were still there; still lurked within his mind, just repressed by his powerful psyche. Usually at least.

He had grabbed frantically at her, still locked in the throes of vicious battle with himself, and he had accidentally linked them together, for an indeterminable instant. She had seen things among the corruption and darkness, amazing things, beautiful things. And of course, dark things, evil things.

_The Big Bad Wolf_. Gwyneth had been right. Exactly _how_ right the Welsh-servant-girl-who-had-saved-the-world had never known. Would never know.

And as she had seen those things, she had felt something, another touch on his mind, a fading imprint of another woman who had seen it too, but to a lesser degree. He had hidden things from the other; he couldn't from her. And for an instant she had felt a pang of jealously. But it had vanished just as fast.

Rose didn't hate Reinette, or Sarah-Jane for that matter. She couldn't. All they had done was fall in love with the Doctor, and she could hardly hate them for that. Reinette had just had the bravery to act on her passions in the short span with him, and Sarah-Jane had managed to put him behind her. Maybe if Reinette had come with them into the TARDIS Rose would have come to hate her, but as it was she had no right.

Not only did Rose trust the Doctor with her life, she trusted him with her heart. And, being the impulsive male he was, he'd broken it several times. By accident, without even realising it, but he had none-the-less.

But she knew it wouldn't break any more, because she had seen the truth. Deep inside his mind, hidden by layers of darkness and insanity and corruption had been a tiny spark, not gold, not blue, red, yellow, green, orange, purple or any other colour in existence, but so beautiful that colours were too small to describe it, shining bright inside him. And she'd know instantly what that spark was, and who it was for. And that knowledge only fuelled the insane fire inside her. And boosted the trust.

But still, trust was supposed to be _earned_, and to trust him from the first second she met him and to still trust him after everything he'd done to her, even indirectly… That wasn't supposed to happen, right?

Back to the love argument. The _true _love argument.

She sounded so cliché, even inside her own head, but she just couldn't help it; couldn't help herself.

Sometimes the clichés were right.

>>>>>>>>>

The battle was above his head now; raging everywhere and yet only inside his mind. The gold kept him safe, held in a cocoon of glowing silk as the black went insane trying to get to him He could see it all, but his eyes were shut. He was soaking wet and bone dry, terrified and deathly calm, light and dark, hot and cold. He was the battle ground for a fight to the bloody end, a war between the evil in everyone and the good that must prevail.

It was both ripping him apart and sealing the last weeping wounds.

There was just one constant. And that was the feel of a hand wrapped around his long fingers; a thumb tracing circles on his skin.

He smiled amidst the madness.

_Home is where the heart is._

Or where the _hearts _are, to be fair to him.

He knew that he would follow her anywhere, and that if she left him then he would be broken forever. But he also knew that she would die, and that that would break him too. He couldn't let her close; he couldn't let himself love her.

It would break him eventually, because she couldn't help but leave someday.

_Doctor, do not be foolish._

His eyes snapped open, and the black assaulted the portals to his soul. But the gold lashed out, binding his gaze in yellow light.

_What? _

_Don't be stupid Doctor. Don't deny her._

_Who are you?_

A faint sensation of amusement. _You are not stupid Doctor, however much you are useless in matters of the heart. _

_TARDIS? _

He felt the psychic equivalent of slow, condescending applause. _Well done. _

_How?_

_The spark that Rose gave you. I speak through this. _

_So it's you that's healing me?_

_No._

What? It had to be. _Who then?_

_Rose._

His condition must be affecting the TARDIS. Either that or his hearing. He'd thought she said _Rose_.

_I did say Rose. It is she, not me._

_How? Rose is human!_

_She looked into the Time Vortex, and no one's supposed to do that. _

The Doctor would have rolled his eyes. _I know that. _

_Some part of the Vortex stayed inside her, healed her, helped her. It could not _leave _her and just go into you; she is bonded to it in some way that I do not understand. _

_Rose is joined to the Time Vortex?_

_Ssh. _He smiled at the quiet reprimand. _Yes, she is. She imparted something of it into you. It is healing you. _

_But why? That would take massive amounts of her energy! It could kill her!_

_She does not know that. And as for why, believe you know _exactly _why. And if you don't, you are not quite as clever as I believed. _

A memory, from long ago. Her voice, sending shivers across his body, shaking the war. "I want you safe, my Doctor."

_But she _is_ in danger, regardless. _

Fear. _I know she is. She's burning herself inside to save me. I'm not _worth_ it. _

Slight amusement, but only slight. _She thought the same. _

The black began to recede, the gold and the Doctor pushing it back together, linked. _I have to stop her. _

More amusement, slightly nostalgic. _You work better together. Remember that. _

_What?_

_And not everyone leaves. _

And he was alone inside his head once again.

And again, he fought.

>>>>>>>>>

His fingers were tighter around her hand, much more than they had been a few minutes ago. His forehead was furrowed in utter focus and his breath came in short sharp bursts. He was sweating even heavier now and the cloth in her hand was sopping wet.

It scared her. But she knew that he would be okay.

He had to be.

The cloth slipped from her fingers, and she reached out, skating her fingers over his skin. "Doctor," she said softly. "Doctor."

She received no sign that he heard, but all the same, she knew he had. A little twitch in the back of her mind, a shifting of attention, a thread of elation twisting through her mind that was never hers.

"Doctor."

_Rose._

>>>>>>>>>


	7. Chapter 6: Fighting

Hello, it's me again. Sorry (again) for the delay, I was very sick and my parents wouldn't let me on the computer (my mum thinks it's gonna kill me or something).

So yeah. Thank you again, again, again to all the lovely, wonderful people who review (you are _amazing!_). And yes.

Enjoy my offering. -grins- Me be bonkers today.

Breath of Life

_6 - Fighting_

His voice echoed in the corners of her mind. _Rose. _Her name, whispered with such pain and hope and something else entirely that she shivered; an icy finger tracing its benevolent way up her spine.

"Doctor?"

_Let go. _

She squeezed his hand, slightly confused, and her heart leapt when she felt him squeeze back. But she could somehow feel his reluctance.

_Rose, don't. _

"Don't what?"

_Don't help me. You have to stop. _

"But… Doctor." He was pushing her away. Now, when she needed to help him for her own sanity. How could he?

Her heart. Breaking. Again.

"Why?"

_It's hurting you. I can't let you hurt yourself because of me. _

She frowned. "What?"

He was silent for a second. _Rose, please. You have to let go of me. _

"Doctor, I won't!" She was angry now, oddly angry. "I won't let you go!"

_Rose! Listen! If you hurt yourself just for me… _He faltered. _I won't know what to do. Just please. Let me go, just for a second. I'll be right here; I'll be with you soon. Please, trust me. _

It was the words _'trust me' _that did it. She did. How could she deny him?

"You'd better know what you're doing," she whispered, her voice rich with unspoken depths, her hand reaching out and stroking his forehead. "You're not allowed to leave me. You promised."

_I know. I did. _A faint hint of a smile, gracing the curve of his perfect lips. _I won't. Now please. Let go. _

Rose was piercingly aware of the fact that this could be the last time she ever saw him; saw him with his face like this. If he regenerated again she would stay; she would never leave; but it would be hard. It hurt her deeply, but at the same time she knew that helping him was hurting her. She was tired; so tired. And he wouldn't want her broken. He needed her whole.

"Don't leave," she whispered. She leaned forward and brushed a feather-soft kiss onto his thin mouth, her eyelids fluttering shut at the satin-soft whisper of flesh against flesh. "Come back to me, my Doctor," she murmured against his skin. "Don't _ever _leave." His mouth was slightly open, and she felt something twist inside her that wasn't her as her warm breath whispered between his lips. "I love you Doctor," she murmured, finally voicing the fire inside her. "I love you with all I am and ever will be. You left me once. Please, never again."

She squeezed his hand once more, and then let go.

>>>>>>>>>

Shock and delight, twisted together through his mind.

_I love you too. My Rose. My life. My love. _

She didn't hear him, but she knew.

>>>>>>>>>

The gold vanished, and the black ripped into him.

He screamed in silence, his thin body convulsed by the pain. Streams of unintelligible ravings assaulted his ears, the madness trying to creep in.

_No! _

She kept him strong, her touch fresh on his skin, her scent weaving around him. The memory of her barely-kiss, brushing across his lips. Her voice, whispering three words he should never have heard. His voice, murmuring the same in return into empty psyche, burdening her with something she should never have to carry.

_Stay strong. Stay safe. For Rose._

He was the Doctor. He had fallen, but he dragged himself back. If anyone could do it, it was him. That he knew.

That she had taught him.

_Wait…_

It wasn't all him. He had help.

_Rose! I told you! _

There was no reply, but he knew that there couldn't be. The gold was gone; the gold was the Bad Wolf; the gold was Rose.

_It's her! I know it is!_

A touch, a breath. Ghosting into him, bolstering him.

_Breath of life. Oh Rose. You're brilliant! _

A smile crossed his lips. She couldn't just leave him. She had to help, even if she didn't actually know that she was helping. It felt different to have someone to fall back on; he'd travelled in seclusion for too long.

_Rose. Hold on. I'm coming! _

>>>>>>>>>

He was smiling, and it confused her.

The Doctor was in agony; she could tell. But he still smiled, the grin she knew and loved stamped firmly on his face.

Rose sighed, and her fingers twitched, wanting to hold onto him, wanting to touch him. But he had told her not to, and she would obey that.

No. That was wrong.

He had _asked _her not to. Not told. Almost as if she was his equal, when she knew that she was anything but. At least, in her opinion. She didn't know what he thought.

But she dared to hope.

Her own lips curved into a melancholy smile to match a shadow of his, and she drew herself up onto his bed, curving herself against him, fingers and knees and hips and forehead just brushing against him, never really touching.

_My Doctor. _She closed her eyes. _Please. Come to me. _

>>>>>>>>>

There was a light, a tiny blinking flickering star that hung above him.

He studied it through a haze of black and malicious green, his forehead furrowed in thought. He ignored the pain, the ravings, the insanity. Her breath kept him strong; a tiny part of her threading through him.

_That's it. My way back. _

_To her. _

He closed his eyes, and let his walls fall, letting in the razor sharp colours that tore at his mind. Agony was all he knew for an instant.

Then he breathed in, drawing her deeper.

_Rose. _

He began to pull the tiny blinking speck towards him, not moving through the tunnel but yanking the light at the end towards him. He was the Doctor, and civilisations moved around him. It was his life.

But it _hurt_; hurt so_ much_.

_Come. On. _Inside his head he hissed words of anger, annoyance, frustration; goading him on, forcing him to forget the pain. _Come. On. You can't leave her! Come On!_

It was coming closer, he could feel it; the brightness and calm brushing against his burning face like the soothing caress of her fingers. So close, almost close enough to touch…

_Come on!_

Then calm, peace. For now at least.

The pain would come again.

The madness was always in the back of his mind.

But he could feel her; holding him close but never touching him. He ached for the simple press of skin on skin; her hand in his; her body against his in a tight hug full of joy and relief.

The Doctor smiled.

The crazed world of his twisted mind was caged again.

He was inside the white.

The brightness was the final barrier between them.

>>>>>>>>>


	8. Chapter 7: Promising

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

More horrible school kept me working this week, and I was sick, so sorry about the delay. And my computer wouldn't let me get this up so...

And I can also feel my Doctor Who withdrawal symptoms starting, even though there's still a few episodes still to go. -coughs- not enough want more -coughs-

The BBC are very annoying.

And as always, thanks to everyone who reviewed. You are so amazing.

Enjoy.

Breath of Life

_7 - Promising_

The Doctor reached out into the brightness, and perception flooded his senses. He could see his body, laid out on his bed, Rose asleep next to him, waiting. The room smelt of sweat and grief and tears and fear. He reached out to Rose, but the white contracted around him, drawing him back.

_Away_ from her.

"_Rose!" _he yelled out, disbelieving. "Let me go to her!"

_not before you promise._

His face was twisted into a mask of anger and bewilderment, the two emotions fused together by burning passion. "Promise what? What are you?"

_we are you. you must promise. _

"Promise what!"

_never to hurt her._

He calmed; hung still. Guilt in his mind. "I can't promise that," he whispered. "Anymore than I could promise Jackie I'd keep her safe."

_not in the physical sense. we know you cannot promise that. in the mental. _

"Why would I hurt her?"

_in the name of keeping her safe. you must promise not to keep her isolated from you any more. we know that you will entertain the idea of not verbally telling her that you love her, to keep things as they are. we cannot allow this. _

"I've already told her once," the Doctor replied to himself.

_she didn't hear. she has to hear it. _

"But… she's human." _What does that have to do with anything? _he thought.

_yes. human, and vulnerable. so was Reinette. you let Reinette. why not Rose?_

He closed his eyes briefly. "Because Rose is different."

_she's still human. _

"Rose is not Reinette! Rose is better!" He nearly yelled the words, and he was surprised at his own vehemence. "Reinette had a different destiny," he said softly, knowing that the voices already knew. "Rose's destiny lies parallel to mine. _Connected _with mine."

_that doesn't make her better. _

"No," the Doctor admitted. "It's the fact that she's just… _Rose_. That's what makes her so much better."

The voices, apparently, ignored him. _is it because she travels with you? then what about Sarah-Jane? _

"No. Not because she travels with me. And Sarah-Jane is just a friend now." He sighed. "Once, she might have been something more. Not now."

_just a friend. we can accept that. but you haven't explained what makes Rose better. _

"That's 'cause I don't know!" The Doctor pushed back at the brightness. "Let me out! Let me go to her!"

The white held. _promise. _

"Haven't I already?"

_no. promise. _

"I promise!"

_what do you promise?_

"God, who are you, my mother? I promise I will tell Rose the truth!" He paused. "And don't ask what truth! You damn well know!"

A pause.

_we accept your promise. _

"Let me go then! _Now!_"

They released the walls.

He left, running, like a bat out of hell.

>>>>>>>>>

Perception was back again, the smell of sweat, the feel of rough cotton against his bare back, the taste of the TARDIS on the air, the sound of the creak of the bedsprings as he shifted slightly. The sight of his beautiful Rose beside him.

The air left his lungs in a _whoosh _of air as he breathed again, and it felt _so good_. He flicked his tongue against his teeth, which (oddly) no longer felt strange.

He sighed happily. _I'm back, _he thought. _I'm back. _

>>>>>>>>>

Rose was dreaming.

Faces flashed past her, familiar and strange. People she'd met with both of her Doctors. Well, 'both'. They were one, they just had different faces.

Lynda-with-a-'y', Gwyneth, Clive, Sir Robert.

Mickey, Jack.

All she could see, dead or dying or vanishing into emptiness. People she knew, people she'd never met, people she'd bumped into in the street for a split-second. Their faces and deaths flashed before her, jarring her with their screams.

And then him, two perfect faces blurring into one, screaming for ever and ever but never dying. Just hurting. _My Doctor… _The words trailed off into emptiness. _My Doctor. _

"Rose. Open your eyes."

His voice! Whispering to her. Telling her to wake. How could she refuse?

"My Doctor." Her lips moved in sync with the words in her head; just a murmur.

"Rose."

She opened her eyes.

>>>>>>>>>

The first thing he noticed was that her gaze was still flecked with iridescent gold. Tiny pinpricks of fire glowing up at him, boring into him. "Rose," he repeated, his voice husky with ill-use. He wasn't used to quiet.

Her fingers stroked against his damp cheek, the beginnings of a smile tracing her lips. "Doctor. You came back."

He grabbed her in a tight hug, feeling her bury her face in his neck, holding her tight. "Of course I did," he whispered. "I promised you."

Her fingers tightened against him, digging groves into his skin. "You left me before."

"I know," he replied. "And I'm so sorry." His arms pulled her impossibly closer, crushing them together. "And I tell you now, _never again_."

He felt a sob escape her lips. "I was so scared."

He closed his eyes. "I know. I'm sorry."

She didn't reply, but her arms tightened possessively around his waist. He dropped his chin onto the top of her head. "You saved me."

She smiled. "How did _I _save _you?_"

His lips curved a grin. "My amazing Rose," he said softly.

He felt her laugh softly. "That's not an explanation."

"No, it's an excuse."

Another laugh, and her arms pulled him tighter, her face dipping harder against his neck. "My Doctor. Oh, my Doctor. It's you."

He stiffened almost-imperceptibly. Her Doctor? Yes, he supposed he was.

Oh, why did he have to feel like this? She shouldn't have to be burdened with him, not now, not ever. At some point he would _change _more than she could handle, and she would leave. And he couldn't handle that, and it would tear her apart as well.

The voices had made him promise to tell her, to not keep going like this. And he supposed that it would be better for them both for him to finally dig up the courage to talk.

But for him, running was more natural than courage.

And promises were made to be broken.

>>>>>>>>>


	9. Chapter 8: Just Loving

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

Nearly finished now! Only one more chapter left… I will miss this fic. –grins– Anyway. And I'm being very nice to you, my readers, giving you two chapters in one day. Be glad!

And I am in advanced mourning for Rose in the series, which is annoying my friends. Stupid, stupid BBC.

Anyway.

Thanks to everyone who dropped me a review, and I hope you enjoy this!

Breath of Life

_8 - Just Loving_

Something was wrong with him.

Rose's forehead crinkled into a frown, but she didn't move, still kept her face pressed close to his neck. She breathed in. He smelled right.

What could have gone wrong?

It was something in his mind; that was for sure. Maybe a residual trace of the madness, maybe something that was him. But it wasn't right.

Reluctantly she looked up at him. "Doctor?"

He met her gaze. "Rose?"

She unlaced her arms from around him slightly, but felt his tighten around her, unwilling to let her go. Still possessive. That was right. That would never change.

"There's something wrong with you," she replied softly.

He frowned. "I'm fine," he countered. "Not crazy anymore!"

She didn't smile. Neither did he. "I'm serious Doctor."

"So am I."

All of a sudden she knew what was wrong, and she realised it wasn't a wrongness. It was a secret, but a secret that she already knew. Her mind relaxed, but only slightly.

She reached up, tracing her fingertips along his cheek. "Doctor…" she whispered.

She could feel that he wanted to pull away, but she didn't allow herself to be hurt by it. He had his reasons; he always did. "Please, Rose," he half-croaked. "Don't…"

"Doctor, this changes things," she whispered. "You know it does."

"Rose, _don't._"

"Why?"

"Because I _can't._"

He pushed himself away from her and fled.

Rose pushed herself up on her elbow and stared sightlessly at the door. Confusion flooded through her mind. She could feel something strange, something seeping through her body. And through this new something she could feel that barely-buried insanity that was the Doctor's mind.

She was confused, but at the same time she was focused.

Puzzling about what was happening to _her_ could wait.

>>>>>>>>>

_You weren't supposed to let her this close! _the Doctor yelled at himself inside his head. _It can't be like this! _

_Why not? _something inside him yelled right back. _Why do you have to hide from her? _

_Because if I let her in then I'll never be able to let her go, and at some point _she will leave!

_Oh, give her some credit. She won't! _

_Leave me _alone!

The Doctor ran, far into the TARDIS. He could feel Rose behind him, following him, determination and pain mingled through her soul. And the knowledge that _he _was making her feel that pain made him feel physically sick.

With no warning he turned a corner and hit a dead end, where there had been no dead end before. The TARDIS was shifting things again, but to _Rose's _advantage instead of his.

There was something oddly surreal about this. He ran all the time, but he'd never run from Rose before. And never for this reason either.

_Tell her. _

_I can't._

_Why not? _

_Because I'm not strong enough! _

_But what about her? What is your pigheadedness doing to _Rose!

_I just… I can't! _

_You can. _

A pause.

_I have to, don't I. _

_Yes. _

_What if—?_

_No. No 'what ifs'. Just say it. Live for the moment. Say it. _

>>>>>>>>>

"Doctor?" she asked softly, stepping up behind him. He was frozen before her, one hand lying palm down against the wall of a dead end and his gaze unfocused. His torso was bare and his trousers were dark with drying sweat. He looked like the sound of his mind.

"Rose…" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Doctor, are you there?"

She saw his lips twitch in a melancholy grin. "Of course I am. Where else would I be?"

His voice was calm, smooth. Doctorish.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

His hand dropped from the wall, almost in defeat. "My body is fine."

"Yeah, but that's not you," she said tentatively, her voice almost a question. "Are _you _okay?"

"I might be," he replied, oh so softly. "I might be."

With infinite slowness he turned to face her. The look of defeat and resignation on his young face shook her, and she felt a fist clench around her stomach. "Oh Rose…"

"Doctor…" She was silenced, her lips dry.

His hand floated up to her cheek, his fingertips ghosting over her cheek. The touch was at once fleeting and painfully intimate, and she felt her eyelids sliding shut in overwhelming ecstasy. His hand slid over her lips, her breath shuddering onto his skin.

And then the contact was gone. She almost moaned in disappointment, but as it was she just opened her eyes. She looked up at him, subconsciously registering that he was much closer to her now. His brown eyes were flooded with raw emotion. She'd never seen him like this before.

"I thought I lost you," he whispered. "And it drove me insane."

She thought she ought to say something, but her brain wouldn't coordinate with her mouth, and she was mute.

"I killed," he continued, his gaze still riveted to her, and hers to his. "I killed, and I fell." Pain flickered across his face. "Harder than I ever have before. They were screaming, and I loved it." Pain, grief and memories, skating across the dark orbs. "This is not only dangerous to you; it's dangerous to everyone else." He shook his head. "I can't."

"But you _can_." She suddenly found her tongue, and words spilled forth. "Just being around you is dangerous enough. And you're not the only dangerous thing in the universe."

"But I'm the Doctor." He was cracking. "I'm supposed to _save_ people, not _kill_ them."

A flicker of a memory slid through her. "Everything has its time, and everything dies." Her gaze searched his. "Just because you were the one that ended those lives doesn't make you guilty."

"Doctor…"

"You could have died." He cut her off. "You nearly did die. I should have been able to protect you."

She stepped forward again, just a little. Just slightly closer. Time to poke the ant nest. "Doctor, you've abandoned me before. Why are you so worried about me now?"

That had the desired effect. He jumped. "What?" His hands came up, gripping her upper arms almost-painfully. "Rose!"

"It's true Doctor." A smile plucked at her lips. "You left me to save Reinette. Left me on a space station in the middle of nowhere."

"Rose, I…"

"You saved Reinette Doctor. You didn't kill her." She rested her right hand against his chest. "Sarah-Jane too. Queen Victoria." The smile became more insistent. "Me."

"But…"

"We're all _alive_ because of you. People die every die." Her head dipped in a tiny nod. "I'm alive because of you."

"But… I should have know something was wrong," he protested.

"Doesn't matter," Rose countered gently. "You dove down to get me. You brought me back to the TARDIS. What happened after doesn't matter."

Clarity sudden sped into his eyes, and she felt the ice-cold jolt sweep through him. He took a step back, moving away from her. Her fingers lost contact with his skin. "Oh Rose…" he sighed, his gaze still locked onto hers. "You're amazing, you know that. Fantastic."

_What's he doing? _

There was a pained, bittersweet expression on his face. "But we can't."

"Why not?" she protested. "Why don't we deserve it?"

"Because you'll _die._" His words hung in the air. "And I can't loose you like that."

"But what about now?" she whispered. "What about the here and now? The present? The future doesn't come into this. What _might _happen. What _could _go wrong. It doesn't matter."

"But it does!"

"No it doesn't!"

"It does!"

Breaking point.

"It _doesn't! _Doctor, I love you! Can't you see that! If you keep us like this, I _will _die! And then it _will _have been your fault!" Her voice verged on a yell, and she froze as she realised exactly what she'd said.

Silence hung between them.

_Well now, _a little voice murmured in the back of her head. _That was clever. No turning back. You can only go forward now. _

>>>>>>>>>

_Doctor, I love you! Can't you see that! _

Oh, how blind had he been!

She wouldn't die! Oh, she wouldn't! The gold chips in her eyes… They weren't just aesthetic.

Her voice, from long ago and yet far in the future. _I am the Bad Wolf._ _I create myself. _

He didn't know what the Bad Wolf was. He didn't know how it would affect her. He didn't know how this would work.

But it would.

And that was enough.

_Live for the moment. Say it. _

"Rose…"

"I'm sorry Doctor. I shouldn't have." She half turned away.

Without even thinking about it he stepped forward and swept her up, pulling her feet up off the floor, pressing his lips to hers with unspeakable, immeasurable delight. Her arms shot around his neck and she kissed back in earnest; her tongue sliding past his lips, his scraping across the roof of her mouth, sending shivers across them both.

With a gasp for air he pulled back, just slightly, still pressed tight against her. "Rose," he breathed into between her lips. _"I love you." _

The gold in her eyes flared up; fed by her heart, by her love and her joy and her utter ecstasy.

_You are so amazing, _he thought, wondering if she could hear him.

_You're fantastic, _he heard her reply. Her lips grinned against his. _So fantastic. _

He was drowning in her. _Bad analogy, _he thought vaguely.

Then common sense reared its head, and he pulled back slightly. "Rose," he husked, his eyes dark with emotion. "Rose, we ca—"

She cut him off; her finger on his lips. "I'm not asking you to spend the rest of your life with me," she whispered. "I know you can't. Please, worry about it later." She smiled slightly, moving closer. "For now, just love me."

She was his goddess; she was his everything.

And he loved her.

Ultimately, that was all that mattered.

>>>>>>>>>


	10. Epilogue: Patching and Coffee

Disclaimer etc.: see Prologue.

Well folks, this is it! The End. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

And by the way, I'm toying with the idea of writing a sequel of sorts to this… I could do something _very _evil with the end… Heehee. But tell me what you think.

And anyway, I'm gonna need some therapy after what those little b-----ds at the BBC are gonna do to Rose in the last episode… Grrr.

Anyway. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed before, and enjoy!

Breath of Life

_Epilogue - Patching and Coffee_

They lay in a tangle of sheets and cast off clothes, her head resting on his chest, his arms around her waist. She was asleep, long lashes resting against her flushed cheeks, but he was wide awake and staring at the ceiling. He was a lifelong insomniac.

_For now, just love me. _

That was all well and good, 'live for the moment', but the morning-after was what he dreaded. She would expect things of him, things that he couldn't give her. He was supposed to be the all-powerful Doctor, the last of the Time Lords, but in reality it didn't take much to scare him.

And a single teenage girl scared him more than any Dalek ever had.

He sighed softly and buried his face in her hair. He breathed in, and the mingled scents of lavender, applegrass and hormones flooded through his head. He vaguely wondered why the scent of the New Earth applegrass still clung to her fine blonde hair.

"Oh Rose…" he breathed. The guilt was kicking in already, and along with it came the doubt.

He was a Time Lord, and she was a shop-girl from London.

She was too good for him.

He was the Oncoming Storm. It wasn't supposed to be.

Slowly, careful, he disentangled himself from her, tracing his fingertips across her satin-smooth cheek as he slipped off the bed. Of their own volition his hands tucked the sheet around her. She stirred slightly, but didn't wake. He felt something damp prick at the back of his eye.

He sniffed and left, his shoulders hunched.

Rose's gold-flecked eyes slid open, and a lone silver tear trickled down her cheek.

>>>>>>>>>

The TARDIS whirred softly in the middle of the night. The noise was comforting to his ears, soothing his frayed nerves.

The Doctor flicked absently at various switches that were dotted across the control room console. He sighed softly. "What am I doing?" he murmured to himself.

_That's not the question. _Why _are you doing this? _It was the TARDIS again.

The Doctor was too preoccupied to care. "Why am I doing what?"

One of the screens next to him flickered into electronic life. The Doctor glanced up at it, and then froze.

Rose's face, close up. Eyes wide, lips parted oh-so-slightly. Irises slightly red, hazing over the gold.

Liquid diamonds running down her cheeks, sparkling in the dim light from the interior of the ship.

His hand drifted up to the screen. "Rose…" he whispered.

_Why are you doing this? _

He closed his eyes forcefully and bit his lip fiercely. "Because I can't."

_That's a pathetic excuse. _

He was mildly surprised at the TARDIS's bluntness. "I can't though," he said in return. "She _will _leave. Eventually." He twisted a dial with more force than usual. "And that'll break both of us."

_What if she doesn't? _

"She's…" His voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "She's human. She'll die." Something glistened in his eyes. "She'll grow old, and she'll fade. And I'll have to watch her." He sniffed hard, drawing his hand across weary eyes. "I can't do that," he whispered.

There was silence. The TARDIS seemed to be thinking. Finally, _What if she doesn't?_

"Doesn't what?"

_Grow old. Die. Leave you. _

"She will. She's human." He stuck stubbornly to his argument. "It's not her choice."

_She won't. _

The Doctor sagged down, as if the meagre argument exhausted him. "She's human," he murmured, as if that explained everything. His fingertips skated across her face on the screen. Tracks of crystal still trailed down her skin.

_No. She is the Bad Wolf. _

"What?"

_She is the Bad Wolf. _

"But…" _I am the Bad Wolf. _A recurrent memory. "What is that? The Bad Wolf?"

_It is the gold that kept you safe. It is balance. It is the partner to the Oncoming Storm. It is Rose. _

"I don't understand," he breathed. It wasn't exactly true, but he desperately needed clarification. "I don't understand."

_The Time Vortex clung to her. You tried to take it from her, but you failed. It is woven into her soul; it is her. You may be the last Time Lord, but she is the Time Goddess. She is your equal. _

It was surreal, not quite real. "How?"

_I do not know. I do not believe that even the Vortex knows. But she is, and she needs you. Just as you need her. Everything in the Universe must have an opposite; a balance. She is yours. _

Realisation. "The gold, in her eyes."

_Yes. Physical manifestation. _

"She's not gonna die."

_No. _

"Will she regenerate?"

_I do not know. She may change when you do; you are tied together. But I do not know. _

He pushed himself up, his body tense with joy. "I have to go to her!"

Amusement. _Yes. You do. Patch things up. _

"Patch things up. Right."

With his most Doctorish grin on his face, he ran.

>>>>>>>>>

He had left again. _Again. _

Rose lay curled up on the bed they had shared, her tears staining the pillow. He had _left her. _

She had thought that it might mean something to him, that he might have meant what he said. That those touches and kisses and caresses might have been something more than just physical comfort.

She had seen the look in his eyes. The utter devotion. The complete adoration. The pure love. Surely he couldn't have been faking that?

Could he? He was the last of the Time Lords, and she didn't know what that might mean.

Didn't know what he could and couldn't do.

Didn't know whether he was capable of loving her in the way she needed him.

She just didn't know anymore.

Rose knew the Doctor was there before he spoke. It was a little itch in the back of her mind, a little nerve that whispered his name to her in rich tones. She heard him shift nervously; heard his tongue flick out to moisten his lips. She could hear everything; every tiny little shift and click and shuffle.

"Rose?" His voice was like music in her ears; the clear song of a flute rising above the accompaniment of the orchestra.

She couldn't bring herself to reply. What was going to happen now? Would he kick her out? Would he ignore her? Would they just continue on as before; just a one night stand?

It was her turn to have no answers.

"Coffee?"

Coffee? As in… coffee?

She raised her eyes, looking up at him. He held a brightly patterned mug between his hands, the heady aroma of fresh caffeine intoxicating her senses. It was held out to her slightly, his long fingers wrapped around the porcelain surface.

She pulled herself into a rough approximation of a sitting position, and her gaze moved up to his face; to his eyes. The dark brown depths were swimming with emotion.

Guilt.

Joy.

Fear.

Hope.

Worry.

_Love._

He loved her. _He loved her. _

She smiled. "Coffee," she agreed.

His face relaxed into a grin.

Two words. Well, one technically. That was all it took.

Rose's smile widened as she accepted the steaming mug and the Doctor seated himself behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Coffee," she said again, circling the brew under her nose.

He kissed the side of her neck. "Coffee."

She leaned back against him and raised the mug to her lips, smiling. The coffee felt like liquid stars as it rippled down her throat. _Gorgeous, _she thought. She wasn't just referring to the coffee.

Her eyes slid shut as his lips again made contact with her smooth skin, tracing a delicate path down her flesh.

She smiled.

Everything was going to be alright.

Scrap that.

Everything was going to be _perfect_.

end


End file.
